Changes

I have not written in a while because our family has been going through some situations that have taken my full focus. I have been extremely sick with this pregnancy to the point of having to go to the Emergency Room for dehydration. Plus I am a full time student that already has a 16 month old child. On top of these things we as a family were dealing with my husband headed in a downward spiral. -Back Story- After my husband came back from Iraq there was a noticeable difference. I had asked before he left if he would come back different, and of course the response was that I had nothing to worry about. I was of course concerned that he would come back missing a limb or with a different personality. He did come back changed. He came back with scars that noaret visible. We, his family, convinced him that he needed to seek some type of help, and thankfully he did. He was diagnosed with PTSD and a few other medical issues that are not obviously clear.(Hearing loss, skin damage, vision problems) With counseling and medication things seemed to be ok. Of course there have been constant sleep issues, drinking problems, outbursts, and lack of motivation. We have been going to couples counseling since he came back from Iraq. These sessions were a great opportunity for me to understand what was taking place with him. -Current Situation- While the counseling and medication was helping to maintain a calmer person my husband was still not the same man as before. Once we found out he would be deploying again we began to plan on how to handle the new stresses. Of course I was concerened because I had seen what the other deployment did, but I knew that I needed to be supportive for my husband. I needed to keep a cheery disposition so he would not worry about the three of us and the rest of his family while he needed to focus on the soldiers in the unit. I tried very hard to take care of everything at home so he would not have to worry about them. I tried to not add to his stress of prepping for the deployment, but no matter how much I was trying to prevent stress for him he was still becoming more agitated. His drinking had already been an issue, but he began lying about how much he was drinking. He would say he was working but would be at a bar instead. He would then come home and try to act like he had not been drinking. The irritation with every little thing was also becoming more apparent. (He has never been physical with our son or myself.) He would just show clear distain for anything that was going on around him. He is only wanting to be at home unless it involves drinking with his friends. Trying to do any type of a family activity is becoming more and more difficult. His sleep issues are also getting worse. On most days he is physically present in the room, but his mind would be somewhere else. It has been difficult for me as his spouse because I have no one else to talk to about what is taking place. I have civilian friends that cry when their husband is gone for a weekend, so when I try to explain the problems we experience they can not relate. Unfortunately, we do not have other Officer's as friends where we live, so I do not feel comfortable talking to the other spouse's in our Unit. How am I supposed to tell them that I am concerend about my husband's capability when he is leading their spouse into another deployment? Many of the spouses in the Unit have not been through a deployment before and are worried enough already. Well, my husband was flagged. He is being looked at for medical issues. When the official e-mail came out that this was the case he was understandable upset. He called me and I could hear it in his voice. He then sent me the e-mail and I began to cry. One would think that they would be happy that their spouse was not deploying again. Which of course I am, but I know how important this is to my husband. I know and understand that much of his identity is based on being an officer in the military. Heck, our family's identity is based on the fact that we are a military family. We are just in the begining phases of this new stage. We have no idea what is going to happen. I just hope that he and we are able to get through the possiblity of this not being our life any longer. The pressure is on me now to finish school as soon as possible, so I can begin to work if he is no longer employed with the military. There are so many Families out there that deal with the hidden damages of war. If you think that your loved one is having issues find help. I am glad we did.

Unexpected.

A person goes to sleep at night and expects it to be like any other night. Tonight, our neighbor passed away. He was such a good man. He has a wife and three boys. The whole family is just amazing. People come into your life that leave an impression and he was definetely one of them. While my husband was away for training, our neighbor would see me outside and ask how I was and If I needed help with anything. I was more comfortable compared to previous trainings, because I knew he was keeping an eye on our house for us. I know that if I would have ever needed help he would have done it. As a Military Wife, I think about what would happen if my husband were to die due to a deployment. I fear an unkown knock at the door, like the one you would see in a movie. I don't think about what would happen if my husband were to pass away in his sleep. It is so unexpected. I feel so bad for his family. Dear God, Please put your hands on the Garza family. Help them to get through this difficult time. Give me the right words to help comfort them. Amen.

Things seem bad, but they could be worse.

Last week was chaotic to say the least, but then things seem to always be hectic when my husband is away! Juggling school, a baby- I guess I should say toddler, pregnancy, volunteering, and running the household - I am used to things being all over the place. Well, last week our niece moved in with us. She is a freshman in High School. I am thrilled that she is here with the little guy and I, it was just unexpected. I have only lived with me as a teenager and of course I was perfect! (I am sure others have a different opinion) After she was here I started to realize how much I was unprepared for this. I haven't been in H.S. for a while now and the advances in technology have really impacted how kids react with each other. I was more nervous because this is a niece from my husbands side of the family, if it were my side I do not think I would be as worried. Of course I do not want to over step my role in the family, so I am treading cautiously with rules and how to enact them. The situation seemed more scarey because I began to make decisions with out my husband, and then I would let him know what I had decided after. Luckily, he understood why some of the decisions were being made so quickly with out his knowledge. He was then able to come home on Friday until Tuesday for leave to help me get things re-organized in our home. We spent most of our time figuring out how to situate everything, but then he decided he needed to go out for a ride on his Harley! I was upset, to say the least. I couldn't believe that he would come home, help me get things together, and then just take off for the day yesterday to go on a bike ride with the neighbors. He had the nerve to tell me that he needed a break, he needed to do something fun. I bit my tongue, so I wouldn't go crazy on him. I reminded him that I had been home taking care of everything, while he was away, and when I wanted to go out to dinner with friends I had to take our son along because I had no one else to watch him. I let him know that I would like to have a break and enjoy some alone time. I understand why he wanted to go out for the ride, the frustrating part is that I don't think he understands how stressed I am, and that I need to be able to enjoy some alone time as well! He was originally supposed to leave Monday morning to go back to work, but was able to extend leave for 24 hours. He asked me if I would like to go out to dinner and movie tonight! That made me cry because I would like nothing more, but some child free time with my husband. We do not have many more days available before his deployment and then child number 2 will be here after he leaves. Things seemed so much better until he informed me that he was going to meet up with an old friend for drinks at 4pm. I had such hopes that he finally understood where I was coming from and then they were dashed. Maybe I will still get to go see a movie tonight, even if it is by myself! Things will calm down in our house eventually. I just have to remind myself that I am lucky to have my husband, so many other wives have lost theirs and would probably give anything to have these little trials with their husband again. The fact of the matter is my husband loves us and works hard so we can be taken care of. We are blessed to be in good health, have a roof over our heads, and food to eat in the refrigerator. The fact that I was having a rough week and my husband could come home is Amazing! Soon he will be gone and I won't be able to call him when ever I want. We will be lucky to email or skype everyonce in awhile. We each have to be thankful for what we do have and not focus and what we don't. Until next time, I hope you all realize that even though times seem tough someone else has them worse than you.

Didn't realize I would still be effected by those events

Almost ten years ago our country experienced a horrific tragedy. I was a Senior in a small town high school, and watched in shock as I saw the images unfold on the morning news. I knew then that our country as we knew it had forever changed. I just did not realize that only a few days shy of the ten year anniversary of 9/11 I would be sitting in my home with our toddler son asleep, pregnant with our second child, and my husband gone training for an upcoming deployment to Afghanistan.

A few months ago I was concerned because I knew my husband, K, would be leaving on a year long deployment to Afghanistan, and our son, KJ, and I would be home to fend for ourselves. I was most concerned about helping our young son remember his daddy during those long months. I have already gone through a deployment with K, so I know I have to stay busy to help the time go by. The problem is that during the last deployment I spent my time working two jobs, and hanging with friends till all hours of the night. I don't think I slept for more than 3 hours a night during that year. Well, we just found out a few weeks ago that we will be adding another member to our family! The bummer is that the new baby is due after K leaves for his deployment. Now instead of making sure one child remembers his daddy I have to make sure two of them do!

Many other military wives have faced this challenge as well. This war has been going on for awhile now. That means that many other women and men have had to face this and have come out the other side ok. I look to all of you for inspiration.

I decided to start typing tonight after watching 9/11 images on the television. I was sitting in our living room beginning to miss K. He has not been gone that long for training, only 3 weeks, but I am missing him so very much. I know we only have a few months together before he leaves to go over seas and most of that time he will be away. I can only hope that 2013 gets here quickly and that all the soldiers in our Unit come back.